


Glasses are Evil

by Lynn_kitsune



Category: Bleach, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Drabble Series, Dursley mentions, Not to be taken seriously, Slytherin Harry, Slytherins are not evil, Uryu is evil, aizen is evil, but that should be obvious, clowns are evil, for the sake of drabble time line has been altered, fox smiles are to be trusted, more tags to be added as i think of them, not even a little bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-14 15:25:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16043231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynn_kitsune/pseuds/Lynn_kitsune
Summary: Drabble Series following main characters in their insistence that anyone wearing glasses is evil.





	1. Chapter 1

Harry James Potter, savior of the wizarding world, boy who lived, is standing in the center of the Great Hall, on the first of September, blocking all the other first years from getting in and screaming at the top of his lungs while pointing at a concerned looking headmaster of Hogwarts.

“Mr. Potter,” the McGonagall frowns at the boy. He continues screaming, so she repeats slightly louder, “Mr. Potter,” he falls silent, due to a well-placed silencing spell courtesy of Professor Snape. Harry doesn’t immediately notice so she continues waiting until he does and closes his mouth. She cancels out the silencing spell as she asks, “Why were you screaming, Mr. Potter?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Harry asks, glancing between her and the Headmaster.

“If it were obvious, Mr. Potter,” Snape drawls, “We wouldn’t be asking.”

Harry almost sags in relief at the sight of Snape, “But sir, everyone knows glasses are the first sign of evil.”

The whole school blinks at Harry.

“Repeat that, but slower,” Snape requests, Harry obliges, “Do you realize, Mr. Potter, that you wear glasses?”

“Of course, my relatives kept trying to get the evil out of me, going so far as to send me to church camp every summer until they realized Jesus must be evil because he had a beard,” Harry nods, stating this as though it were firmer fact than the sky is blue.

“Because he had a beard?” a muggleborn in the crowd asks.

“Of course. Length of a person’s beard determines how evil they are, of course. And the man sitting there,” Harry points at the Headmaster, “Is the most evil man I’ve ever seen.”

By now the Headmaster’s eyes are crinkled in amusement, “Hagrid?” The headmaster whispers while the discussion of how evil is obvious is going on, “Why didn’t you report that Mr. Potter thought you were evil?”

“Because I’m not,” Hagrid whispers back.

The Headmaster blinks up at the half-giant, “Beg pardon?”

“Apparently if you have a beard but no glasses the beard indicates how gullible a person you are,” Hagrid smiles, “Mr. Potter was kind enough to sell me an island in the Caribbean at the end of our trip at a considerable discount, only cost me 100 galleons, normally it’d be a thousand.”

The headmaster nods and purses his lips, “Thank you, Hagrid, I’m sure it’s lovely.”

He returns his attention to the conversation taking place instead of the sorting in time for Hermione Granger to raise her hand, “But Harry, if someone is gullible when they have a beard but no glasses, then how was Jesus evil?”

Harry pauses at that, tilting his head to the side, “You know? I never noticed that contradiction. I’ll need to ask my Uncle when I get the chance.”

Eventually Harry allows everyone inside and they get the sorting taken care of. Harry ends up in Slytherin, which he is quite happy about because no one in Slytherin wears glasses, therefore it’s the only house that isn’t evil.

It’s a few weeks later, during the onslaught of the morning post, that Harry stands on the table, proudly announcing, “Jesus can be evil without glasses because he needed them but they hadn’t been invented yet!” This causes a rush of Ravenclaws, and Hermione, to storm the Library to find out when Glasses were invented to see if he might be right.


	2. The obligatory Bleach chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can I resist a series that legitimately has evil characters wearing glasses?

Ichigo stands facing Byakuya, both readying one final attack before they both die or collapse from exhaustion, when there’s movement behind Byakuya. “Watch out!” Ichigo shouts leaping forward and knocking a mildly surprised Byakuya out of the way of an attack that doesn’t come but Ichigo stands defending against the assailant anyways. Byakuya looks over to the small group whose presence interrupted the fight, Aizen, Gin, and Tosen.

“Aizen?” Byakuya asks aloud, “But you’re dead.”

Aizen smiles at him and is about to say something when Ichigo attacks the formerly dead captain who simply grabs the sword and raises an eyebrow, “Where did you learn your manners from?”

“My dad said to always attack evil people and ask questions when their victims are no longer in danger,” Ichigo states, “Now normally my old man is full of shit, but when it comes to people with glasses and being evil he has yet to actually be wrong.”

Byakuya frowns at this, “Didn’t one of your companions have glasses?”

Uryu straightens his glasses, appearing nearby, “I have never claimed to be a good person.”

“Of course you’re a good person, Uryu!” Orihime shouts leaping off Kenpachi’s back, “It’s just your evil father rubbing off on you.”

“What makes his father evil?” Byakuya can’t help but feel compelled to ask.

“He wears glasses,” Ichigo states at the same time Orihime answers with, “He’s a doctor.”

“So my father’s evil?” Ichigo asks.

“Oh, no, he has his own clinic. If he worked in a hospital he would be, though,” Orihime nods factually, Uryu shrugs and nods his acceptance of this as fact.

By now most of the Gotei 13 leadership have regathered on the Sokyoku Hill so Soi-Fon points at Kurotsuchi, “Is he evil?”

All of the humans raise an eyebrow at this question and say, in sync, “He’s a clown,” as though this requires no further explanation. Which, the Gotei 13 supposes, is accurate.

Aizen returns attention to himself, pushing Ichigo away with one hand while using the other to first break his glasses and then slick his hair back, “Am I still evil?”

Hitsugaya is about to say something when Uryu says, “You have slicked back hair, so yes.”

The other humans all nod their agreement. Aizen frowns, “What about my companions?”

The humans study Gin and Tosen. Ichigo answers first, “I learned from a young age to never trust a blind man. They’ll rob you blind.”

Orihime nods, “Same happened to my family.”

Uryu scoffs at them both, “I never had to learn that lesson, my family already knew not to trust them.”

Gin raises his hand, “What about me?”

Ichigo nods, “You’re the best person here.”

Everyone turns to look at Ichigo, he shrugs, “He smiles like a fox, foxes have always helped my family.”

“Come to think of it,” Orihime says slowly, “My brother always said if you can’t see someone’s eyes that means you can trust them with anything.”

Chad nods, “My family had a similar saying.”

Uryu tilts his head, “Funny, my father always said if you tell someone with squinty eyes your secrets they’ll tell all your enemies.”

“That’s because he’s evil,” Orihime states as Ichigo shrugs, “Not our fault your dad pissed off a Kitsune.”

“Right…” Aizen says slowly, “We’re just going to go now,” the sky cracks open as he speaks, slowly showing a Menos Grande on the other side of the sky. A pillar of light comes down on the two evil people and Gin, lifting them up into it, “I’m sure we’ll see one another again.”

“Yeah, when I beat your evil ass up!” Ichigo shouts at them.

“If Kurotsuchi is evil,” the captain wearing Pink Haori says, instead of paying attention to Aizen’s group, “Why isn’t he leaving with Aizen?”

Orihime shrugs, “Everyone knows clowns work alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't be bothered to look up everyone's names so there's... one unnamed character that speaks. To be fair, I am lazy.


End file.
